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(no subject) [Jul. 6th, 2017|04:08 am]
[Feelin' |depresseddepressed]
[Spinnin' |Crawling - Linkin Park]

  I don't eve know what to do anymore.
  Getting out of bed is so fucking hard. I'm gonna lose my job. Then I won't be able to pay my rent. I'll end up on the streets. My poor cats will end up in shelters. They'll be put down. And it will be my fault.
  How am I suppose to start work at 8 am, when I'm laying awake all night thinking about every single thing I've done wrong in my life?
  Wishing I had never let alcohol touch my lips, because...
  Things were great, but then... self harm... (2008-2010)
  I did coke, because I was wasted... My sister hasn't spoken to me since. (2010)
  I gave a cab driver a hand job while wasted so I could get more beer. (2011)
  I gave 3 different blowjobs, on 3 different occasions for beer (2012-2014)
  I slit my wrists. Required 14 stiches. (2015)
  I got completely smashed, and tried to kill myself. My friend found me. I failed. 34 stiches. (2016)
  I slit my arm 20 times because I couldn't handle life. (2017)
  And the 100 or so cuts I made in my teenage years (2004-2017)

  If I could have one wish, I'd start over. I wish I could start over...
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Why The Fuck Am I Falling Apart [Mar. 12th, 2017|09:49 pm]
[Feelin' |angryangry]
[Spinnin' |Hold On Till May - Pierce The Veil]

If you don't trust someone, it's impossible to get hurt by them in the first place. The words, the lies, and the emotions that they hide inside mean nothing. To them, maybe someone other than you means something, although the same affection is not always returned. Is it an emotionless love.... Maybe even... Lust? Whatever it was, it was only a pain killer for the moment.

Please, I beg you, take away my pain. Kill it for me. Turn it completely inside out, and extinguish it. Do with it what you must, but please... Take it away. Can you destroy it? Can you kill it for me? I'm so dirty, I could never be clean. All I am is dirt, not worth anything more, and no mater how hard I try, the filth won't leave my skin. I will always be dirt.

It only hurts to breathe, and it always hurts to cry. I'm so empty inside.

I'm my death, I'm my tears, I am my becoming of an endless spiral down...
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Let's Go To The Beach, Each, Let's Go Get A Wave [May. 21st, 2016|11:13 pm]
[Feelin' |sleepysleepy]

I did not end up going for coffee with him today. I decided against it. I just feel like the whole thing is a bad idea. I'm not going to let myself be sucked in again by him like before. The other night just proved that he hasn't changed. He's still the same selfish, manipulative, immature boy he was three years ago. And I don't need that in my life again. I know it would just end up the same way it did before. So I'm going to save myself the grief and just stop it before it has a chance to go anywhere else.

Anyway, I did go to the beach today for the first time this year. It was great. I went with my friend/coworker, and we basically just hungout, burying our feet in the sand, and chatting. We tried going in the water, but it was way cold still. Which makes sense, considering its still only May. It was thirty degrees outside though, so it was nice to just sit on the beach. It was packed though. Lots of families with young children, that it would seem were much braver than my friend and I, as pretty much all of them were splashing around in the water. We did go in up to our knees though! All in all, I had lots of fun.

Now I'm watching National Treasure with my mom. Well, I'm watching it, I'm pretty sure she's fallen asleep. I just love Nicholas Cage. I don't even care what anyone else says. Although, he did suck in The Wicker Man. Mind you, that whole movie was kind of just awful, bahaha.

OH! And my roommate got a puppy!! He's adorable. His name is Harley, and he's so cute. He's a rotteweiler boxer mix, so although he's small now, he's going to get big. And fast. I've always been more of a cat person, but I do love dogs as well.

Delilah and Ruby are adjusting not too badly. Delilah pretty much just stays downstairs all the time now, and Ruby... Ruby is jealous. She hasn't been getting as much attention from Bri now that she has Harley, so she's been coming to me now for the snuggles she's not getting from Bri. Which I am totally okay with. I have no problem giving her all the snuggles she wants!

And, just on a side note... Is she not the cutest thing ever?

DelilahCollapse )

Goodnight! xoxo
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(no subject) [Feb. 2nd, 2016|09:10 pm]

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